I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.

I thought of you yesterday, and the days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.

All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part.

God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

♥ Kyle Gregory♥ 11/4/04♥

Once I Held An Angel

ONCE I HELD AN ANGEL

(author unknown)

 

Once I held an angel,

So very close to me.

I watched him run and jump and dance,

But only in my memory.

I waited for the day he'd come;

He'd bring such joy to all.

Then the Angel was called home,

He never had to fall.

He was too perfect for this world,

He didn't need to stay.

He went straight up to Heaven,

I'll join him there someday.

You don't know how I feel-

Please don't tell me that you do.

There's just one way to know--

Have you lost a child, too?

"You'll have another child!"

Must I hear this every day?

Can I get another mother too,

If mine should pass away?

Don't say "It was God's will"

That's not the God I know.

Would God on purpose break my heart,

Then watch as my tears flow?

"Aren't you better yet?"

Is that what I heard you say?

NO! A part of my heart aches,

I'll always feel some pain.

You think that silence is kind,

But it hurts me even more.

I want to talk about my child,

Who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me,

Although you do mean well.

They do not take the pain away;

I must go through this hell.

I will get better, slow but sure.

And it helps to have you near.

But a simple, "I'm sorry you lost your child."

Is all I need to hear.

A million times I've needed you.

A million times I've cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You would have never died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a special place,

That none will ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you did not go alone,

For all my love went with you

The day God called you home.

In the beginning, there were two...

In June 2004, we found out we were pregnant. Unexpected and unplanned, but we were excited as well. In July 2004, we found out we were expecting identical twins.

To say we were surprised is an understatement-we were shocked, overwhelmed and more than just a little excited. The fear came later. At this time, it appeared that they were in the same sack, monoamniotic, which has a very high mortality rate. In September 2004, we had a second ultrasound in which we found out they were in separate sacks, and shared a placenta. And they were boys. I was so relieved. I naively thought we were out of the danger zone.

In October, I started getting more uncomfortable, walking became more labored, sleep was nearly impossible to get. I thought it was normal twin pregnancy stuff-not having ever been pregnant with twins before. My goal was to make it to 32 weeks, which would have been December 18. By the end of October, I was miserable. I looked 9 months pregnant and I was only 25 weeks, my stomach was so tight it hurt to even shower or dress. My back and stomach hurt no matter what position I tried to sit or lay down in. My hips and legs often went numb from the weight of the pregnancy.

(Halloween 2004--5 days before delivery)

On November 2, 2004, I spent 9 hours in labor and delivery observation for what I now know was the beginnings of labor. I was sent home, only to return the next morning when my water broke. I spent the night in the hospital, had a biophysical profile ultrasound that indicated both babies were fine, and my first and only consult with a high risk doctor. The next morning (November 4, 2004), my second sack of water broke, and flooded the room. I was then prepped and taken to emergency c-section. Kyle Gregory was delivered first at 628am, (weighing 1 lb 3 oz and 12 inches long) and was not breathing. Kraig Stewart was next at 632am and weighing just 1 pound 13 ounces and 12.5 inches long. He was taken immediately to the NICU where he spent the next 11 weeks-the longest 11 weeks of my life. Kyle was crushed when my water broke. I found out much later that Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome was suspected which accounts for the 15 pounds of water that filled the room.

His funeral was a week later.